A Change is Gonna Come

Okay, so, I got my hair cut last week. My hair has borne the stress of the last year, and it finally decided to stage a mutiny (taking the place of my uterus, I guess). Anyhoo, I held out as long as I could -- and when I realized that my hair was an uneven mess and it was taking me 20 minutes to arrange it -- I had the equivalent of a comb over. And -- and this is important -- I HAD to wear headbands. Now I'm all about the headbands as accessory, but to need to wear it so that your hair doesn't look a hot mess is a problem. It's one of my mantras -- if you HAVE to wear hair toys daily, you need to visit your stylist. So, I pulled up my big-girl panties, went to my backup stylist (who's now my main stylist -- you can't have a stylist that you can't trust to tell you when your hair looks like sh!t), and told her I trusted her as she picked up the scissors.

And I love it.

It's much shorter, and so much healthier. I thought for a while that it was too serious, because it's straight, but Walter said it was cute, and my work boyfriend said it was playful (and look for a blog in the future on the merits of a work spouse). And I've gotten a lot of compliments on it. Best of all, it takes me about 5 minutes to do in the morning AND my headbands are now accoutrement, once more.

So, I kind of feel like this haircut is a good parallel of my life -- I spend a lot of time not making decisions that ultimately put me in a better place than I was before. And after it's done, I wonder what took me so long in the first place. It took me about six months to buy an iPod, and now I own two. Back in my single days, it took me such a long time to dump the few boyfriends I had that they usually beat me to the punch. I'm very change-averse -- I hate it. I think that's why it takes me so long to make decisions sometimes, I'd just as soon not change anything. My boss retired last year, and I hated the thought of getting her job. And I've been in the job for almost a year and tried very hard not to change anything. Which I've decided means I haven't been doing a very good job (but don't tell anyone). I don't like changing paint color in my house -- what if I hate it? I cried like a baby the day after my wedding; I was very happy with Walter, but as I told him, I was all grown up now! I am still mad that Mike Walter is no longer on Channel 9 News in the morning. Guiding Light is ending after SEVENTY TWO years of production, and while I never watched it, I couldn't help but wonder what was going to be on Channel 9 at 3 in the afternoons now. No, I don't do well with change.

But -- change is a must. To not change is to stagnate. I would probably have been bored if my job hadn't changed. Obviously, making a life with Walter is one of the best things I ever did...it's funny how life works out. Having to change Alex's clothes out what seems like every day because he's growing so much is a constant reminder that life goes on...and even though I'm wistful at watching Alex change and grow (into someone who called me Mean Momma tonight), I embrace the change -- the growth -- I see within him.

Here's the thing -- life is constantly changing. It changes all around you. People retire, folk move away, grandparents pass away, your parents get older (and odder) as they assume the top of the family tree. People divorce, the people you love the most are the people you get to see the least, you work ten hour days to please someone who seems impossible to please, and just when you get into a rhythm, he shuts down and it seems inevitable that he's leaving. Life spins on a dime all the time, and while I grapple with decisions, often times decisions are made for me. Last summer I was so consumed with how I was going to do in my new job that I failed to notice that my body had deteriorated to the point of transfusions and surgery. I was so busy wondering if I should try pregnancy again that I didn't notice that I didn't feel well (and then God helped Dr. Aron make that decision for me). You love people and lose them and you think that you'll never get over them, until you do, until it's three or four (or ten) years later you're living the life of your dreams -- the life you never would have had if you hadn't let go of the one that wasn't working for you in the first place.

I'm still change-averse, but I'm going to work on it. I'm going to try very hard to start embracing change...to be excited about what's on the other side. I'm going to try to make more decisions - better ones - because I need to no longer fear change. I don't want Alex to fear change.

Maybe I should start by finally taking the fibre optic Christmas Tree down. Even Alex is starting to look at it and say..."Momma?"