Sharp Dressed Man

Okay, so...new experiences in parenting never end. Today was my first school picture day. We'd gotten plenty of notice, and I had figured out last week what Alex was going to wear: jeans, a rugby shirt, and hopefully it would be cool enough for a turtleneck. Easy enough, right? I hardly thought this would turn into a *thing*...Had it all gone as planned, this is how he would have looked [I took this tonight].

You see where this went wrong, right? I used the word PLANNED in conjunction with my life.

On a somewhat unrelated note. I'm *tired*. My frenetic pace this month is beginning to take its toll, and when I got up this morning, decided there was no earthly reason to begin my day so quickly, and went back to bed. So Alex and I both got a little extra sleep this morning. Alex's school day begins at 8:30, and class time begins between 8:45 and 9. I always figure he needs to be dropped off by 8:40, at the latest ~

7:15 - Gently shake the boy awake (we still haven't conquered the whole - stay in bed all night, and complicating things is that now Alex sleeps with Woody from Toy Story). Really. You can imagine all of the inappropriate things that run through my mind when I wake up face to face with a Woody.

7:30 - Finally, His Highness rousts himself to the bathroom, where he brushes his teeth. His newest thing, when rinsing is to mimic a surprise. For instance: "Mommy? How old are you? [takes sip] "41". [spits water out as if he can't believe that I've not yet turned to stone]

7:33 [And here's where it all goes to hell] I'm dressing him in the outfit that I thought was so great for a kindergartner, and say "Alex! Picture day, aren't you excited?"

Alex: Mommy, can I wear a tie?

A tie? Who am I raising? Alex P. Keaton? A Warbler from Glee? Alex's school has no dress code, and he's worn a necktie exactly twice: at his Uncle Parrish's wedding and Easter Sunday (courtesy of my mother, because you know, nothing says Resurrection like dressing your grandson like a City Councilman) I am not that formal. The last time I wore a suit to work, my boss complimented me on how nice I looked. Translation: "Jesus, I was beginning to think you slept in khakis and sweaters".

Anyway, I tell Alex that we don't have a tie. I then ask, puzzled, why he's just bringing it up that he wanted to wear a tie, that we had to go to school.

Alex: "When you and Daddy got married, he wore a tie, so I thought you would know that."

Okay. At this point, it's 8:00 and I figure it's not the time to get into kid logic. So, no tie. He then proceeds to pick up his glow in the dark dinosaur shirt and asks to wear that. Easy answer. No, because they school said no black. And plus...really? From a tie to a dinosaur shirt?

Alex [pointing at the rugby shirt like it's made of stick pins]: But Mommy, that shirt is black.

Me: No, it's blue.

[crickets chirping]

Then he points to his button down shirt in the closet. Can I wear that, pointing to a shirt from LAST birthday's pictures, and I'm thinking there's no way in hell that it fits. Well, it must have been entirely too big because it fit him perfectly. The school instructions said no stripes, but it's now after 8, and we still haven't had breakfast.

Okay, fine - you can wear this shirt.

"Please button my sleeves Mommy. Alex always says please and thank you. He's a kind and benevolent ruler. As I'm buttoning, he spies a pair of black socks, and excitedly says:

"THAT sock can be my necktie."

[8:10]

Me: Ah. No. Goes into the drawer...this is the only necktie you have, and it --

Alex: Okay I wear it.

Me: --doesn't match.

Alex: No, Mommy. It'll be fine. I wear dis.

Me: Alex, your shirt is blue striped. Your tie is yellow with a design. I really don't think this matches.*

*I NEVER buy ties. I am impossible at matching them. And even in my limited experience, I can see this doesn't match.

I take my next breath to explain that he's going to look a hot buttery mess, and then remember the numerous conversations that I've had with my veteran parent friends about choosing your battles. This is not a battle to choose - after all, who of us doesn't have a COLLECTION of bad school pictures? And at this point, I can't argue much because it's...

[8:20]

So downstairs we go, had breakfast, packed lunches finally got to school. In the turtleneck, striped shirt, and printed tie at...8:55.

ONE HOUR to dress 3 feet, 10 inches. I'm sure there are people who DID get married today and didn't take so long.

God bless the little test pattern as he grabbed just a little more of his independence. And a small part of me was very proud that Alex was determined to wear his own clothes on his own terms. But the larger part of me wondered what he'd want to wear for Christmas pictures. A tux?

19th Nervous Breakdown

Subtitle: From the Alex Files - Extended Remix

Okay, so today I pick Alex up from school, and, as usual, there's a flurry of activity. I think teachers are underpaid as a whole, but Pre-K teachers who have a classroom of children that did not get to go outside and run off energy? Clearly, there's no better evidence that teaching is a labor of love.

Anyway, there's a girl in Alex's class, let's call her Reena (after my imaginary childhood friend). Reena is...um...spirited. I've seen Reena maybe 6 times during drop off, and probably four of those times she's been in the middle of a SPECTACTULAR melt down. Seriously. Tears, screaming, the whole works. And her Mom is nowhere to be found (can't blame her there), so it's not like she's crying out for parental attention (which would be sad, but still, at 6:30 in the morning? Annoying as hell.) So Reena is playing with 2 other girls when I walk in. And near Alex's cubby is the latest science experiment, an egg that's submersed in vinegar until the shell melts/disintegrates/whatever.

Oh, and this is the same child that Alex not-so-politely told that my name was Tyuana, and Walter told me that Alex has remarked to him that Reena tells on everyone, except for her one girlfriend, and sometimes even her. To quote: "Daddy, all day she's "Ms. Tynee-Ms. Neka- Ms. Tynee-Ms. Neka. She's always telling."

(I'm sure a better parent would ask the question - what material is my kid giving her for tattling, but I'm going to work on being a better parent tomorrow.)

Okay, that's the set up.

While Alex is packing his stuff, the three girls are playing with the egg, and Ms. Tynee, the teacher warns them that they have to be careful, that it's still an egg, and will crack. Of course, they are FOUR, so they are fascinated. Reena saying something kind of loud to the other kids, and Alex whispers to me "she's ALWAYS yelling about something.

As you can imagine, 6 four year old hands did not do a good job of holding onto the egg, and it breaks, in Reena's hands. The other girls run off talking about the egg. Alex, who I thought was packing his stuff while I was talking to Ms. Tynee, observes the entire thing and runs off to tell his dude friends Mason and Jackson (not their real names either, I feel compelled to protect the names of children I do not know), and I hear him saying...REENA BROKE THE EGG.

(Long set up, bear with me)

The other two girls come back to the scene of the crime, and I can see that Reena is wearing the evidence of her misfortune on her sleeve, which is wet and reeks of vinegar. Alex is packing up his stuff, and says, "Mommy, did you see Reena break the egg?" Reena gets visibly agitated and starts yelling at Alex "YOU'RE NOT A GROWN UP, ALEX! STOP IT!".

In response, Alex leans into me, I kid you not, and says "here she goes again." And she starts to cry.

So she's standing there crying to me, and I'm trying not to laugh at my kid's OBVIOUS agitation at this girls' emotions, and say -- oh your Mom can wash that up. Don't worry.

Alex: Yeah, ask your Mom to wash it.

Reena: SHE CAN'T WASH IT! I HAVE A BOO BOO.

Alex: [eye roll]

Me: [at a complete loss of words at this exchange] I'm sorry about your shirt.

What else is there to say? This kid is already like that character in Seinfeld that cried over everything.

So then, we are walking to the car, and I say, "Alex, you weren't very sympathetic to Reena".

Alex: But Mommy! She all the time doing that.

Me: Well, that's no reason to tease her.

Alex: She's always yelling at me. SERIOUSLY. She's gonna have to cut that out.

It's losing something as I'm typing it, but after I strapped him in I had to stand outside of the car for a full 2 minutes while I laughed myself silly.

So Alex and Reena should be planning the wedding around 2035.