One

Okay, so technically, it was Ones, as in Number One songs. Idol opens with the judges coming down the walk that Adam Lambert made famous. And Kara makes me deepen my crush just a little with rockin’ some over-the-knee boots. Ryan makes a passing reference to last week’s departee, Lacey (seriously. passing. he’s all “Lacey left last week. Hope she’s well. ANYWAY).

Simon and Ryan, and then Simon and Kara flirt a little. Simon tells Ryan to stop violating his personal space, and then Ryan and Ellen start flirting. I’m telling you, you need a scorecard to keep up with this show. Simon then says that tonight is the worst night to go, comparing it to needing 6 numbers for a lottery ticket and only getting five, that not going on the tour is akin to walking into your boss’ office and defecating on his desk, that’s how career ending being voted off tonight could be.

The theme is Number Ones, and I can’t help but wonder: just how many bands have done greatest hits albums called Number Ones? Or was it just Michael Jackson? And really? It’s becoming clearer and clearer that Michael Jackson was offed by his doctor. And wow. As Walter said, who wants to be *that* guy. The guy who killed Michael Jackson.

Oh shit. I don’t know what’s worse...that Miley Cyrus is the mentor, or that Alex just started humming this insipid song “Party in the USA”. I think we can consider the shark safely jumped if Miley Cyrus is anyone’s mentor. If I stop blogging before the end of the show, it’s because well, it’s because anyone reading this knows how I feel about Miley Cyrus. What is Miley Cyrus going to say to Crystal Bowersox? Oh joy, oh bliss, Miley tells us she’ll be singing tomorrow. Thank you Miley for freeing up my hour.

MILEY thinks Lee has an amazing voice, who’s singing “The Letter.” I kinda like this arrangement, but I have a feeling I will be alone in this assessment. This whole Mighty Mighty Bosstones thing is working for me, but I admit that if you can find a way to put a horn arrangement in a song and it doesn’t sound cheesy, I’m a fan. I do like this, and just when I start thinking Lee is a bit of a one trick pony, he does something like this that makes me think otherwise. Okay, so maybe he’s not the best of AI 9, but he has something that keeps me coming back. Randy thinks that this bluesy version really worked for him, saying he hit a home run. Ellen compares him to a favorite pen which you love and it starts to run out of ink, scaring the life out of you (I know, right, Ellen? I have a pen like that, couldn’t find refills. It took me a bit to get over that.) and says her favorite pen is back. Kara says he’s raised the bar for himself, noting his progress over the past few weeks. Simon is surprised that he chose the song, and calls his performance corny, that it didn’t define him as an artist. I don’t know Simy, I have to agree with your peanut gallery. I think this is a performance of Lee’s that I will remember. I would hardly call it a moment, but it was good. I think it was good enough to land him in the top 10.

MILEY thinks (yeah, it’s gonna be a theme), that Paige is beautiful, noting that she can be a bit pitchy when her voice is soft. I just...I got nothing. This is a bad song choice for Paige, unless she does something really surprising during the performance. Oh, and she’s sitting down, which means she’s trying for a moment, and will almost guarantee that she won’t have one. Can we all agree that it’s time for her to go? This sucks so bad that I need to consult my thesaurus to find a better word for it. You know what, I almost feel a little bad for, because the more this performance goes on, the more I think I see on her face that she knows she is otherworldly bad tonight. Or maybe that’s just me wishing for some self-awareness. Randy can’t even speak...just says hi. And then just doesn’t even fake it, calls it terrible. The positive that Ellen has was that she didn’t fall down in those heels, and that she looks stunning, and turns over the music critique to Kara and Simon. Seriously. Kara says she’s stopped listening (that Paige has stopped listening, but I think there were a lot of us tonight that wanted to stop listening) and that it was her worst vocal of the season. And there’s a lot of awful to choose from, right there. Simon asks how she think she did - Paige admits that she was all over the place, but that she had fun doing it. That can’t possibly be right. She could NOT have had fun - it was like a thousand simultaneous paper cuts for me, and I wasn’t there. Simon says that five people were singing the song and that HE KNEW THE POINT she knew it went bad. Uh-huh...that same point when I started feeling bad for her. He said that song was the nail in her coffin. She says she’s still in it to win it. Uh-huh, until about 9:58 tomorrow night. Damn, even Ryan is all...vote for her based on the other stuff she’s done, because that was horrible.

(Just now, I read back my blog to Walter, and when I said “Simon says”, Alex jumps up and says “Simon says, touch your feet!). A little Alex story for my blog readers that won’t show up on Facebook. I don’t know a) when Alex learned how to play Simon Says, b) why he’s decided that his bedtime isn’t until 8:30, or c) why it tickles me so that my kid loves American Idol. I almost hate to put him to bed - he’s gonna miss the rest!

Under the tutelage of MILEY (Ryan’s word, not mine - tutelage), Tim Urban takes on Crazy Little Thing called Love. Miley hugs Tim saying she doesn’t think he’s boring. Well, HE may not be, but what I heard of his rehearsal sure was. This is solidly mediocre, but he’s working the stage a little more (love that slide). Which may make some young girlies forget about his performance, but my cougar isn’t even a little bit awakened by this performance. There was nothing notable about this at all. Randy says that every time the contestants hit the stage, they should be giving the best they have, and that wasn’t. He said the “dopest” thing he did was the slide, which was cool. Ellen compares it to an audition to High School Musical, and that he didn’t love it. Kara thinks it’s over the top for him to be grabbing at the audience like he’s already made it, when he has too much work to do to get to that point. Simon says he likes the slide because it detracted from the song, which was understandable, considering that his performance was pointless and silly. He goes ON to say he has 0 chance of winning right now, unless he wants to take lessons and try to become relevant. DAYUM. That was a searing critique.

The teaser into commercial is that Crystal is likely doing Joplin. I’m excited, but don’t want to get to excited because I could see that going a little copycat, but we'll see.

Aaron Kelly (Little Ed Norton from here on out) admits to his crush on Miley, asking for a hug after his “mentoring”. Okay, Walter and I fundamentally disagree on this song. He thinks it’s dipstickey...when I first heard it (100 years ago), it gave me a toothache with its treacle, but I’ve come to love it. So I was enjoying this more before the big music came in...Aaron really has a nice tone to his voice. Not the greatest, but a HEAP better than Tim Urban, just for comparison sake. This didn’t slay me, but I can’t help it, I like this kid. No, he’s not gonna win it (barring some BIG CHANGE), but he’s doing okay. Randy thanks God he came on stage after the previous two train wrecks, and that he liked it. Ellen loves his pitch, perfect even though he’s “only in third grade”. And. BWAHAHAHAHA!! She gives him a pass on the pitchiness because he’s sick. Kara wants to see more stage presence, but thinks he picked a great song. Simon says it was brave, considering his has tonsillitis. The only criticism Simon offers is that for his age, he’s kind of making himself old fashioned. He said there’s 0 chance he’ll be leaving tomorrow, and offers him the opportunity to hug Miley once again. Simon Cowell - brilliant music producer; pimp.

MILEY thinks that Crystal can push herself more. And...what-the-eff ever. She invites Miley to sign her guitar as a powerful and beautiful woman...and...anyway. Crystal is singing Me and Bobby McGee, which is a refreshing surprise (I thought she was going for Piece of My Heart). What’s not a surprise, however, is that she slayed this, from beginning to end. Crystal has the distinction of being the only Idolette who makes me stop what I’m doing when she performs. And she looks adorable. Randy says she’s a star, and he said she slayed it (can any of my lawyer friends represent me in a lawsuit against these people?). Ellen is happy to hear she sang that song - but offers that there’s something between her and the audience - invites her to take in the obvious love and give it back. Kara thought she let a little bit more, but thinks she could really let go completely if she puts the guitar down. Simon just puts an end to all that bullshit, and tells her not to change anything, saying that up until now, all he’s heard is karaoke, and what she’s done is performed a song as well as a recording artist (Pink). He loves that she’s progressed, and I love, well, I love that she makes me love music, and I look forward to what she’s going to do. But going back to Kara and Ellen, I think what they are feeling is that I doubt Momma Bowersox will ever be comfortable doing big venues...she’ll be that artist that, after the Idol on Tour, will never go bigger than the 9:30 Club. I love that about her.

Mike Lynche is singing When A Man Loves A Woman, which will suit his voice very nicely. He maintained eye contact with Miley and she’s in love with him. Ryan and Ellen are cracking me up. Okay, I could do without seeing this much of Mike’s chest, or his Mr. T. starter kit, but what he is doing with this performance is telling me that he’ll have a very nice R&B career. This is nice. Actually, this is really nice - the bridge is reminding me of Otis Redding, in a good way. I could have done without the falsetto ending, but all in all, good job. Randy doesn’t love the song choice, or his vocal particularly, but likes that he knows who he is and is himself every time he hits the stage. Ellen thinks it was a safe choice, but that she does love him. Kara thinks that technically it was really good, but that it was a bit boring, lounge-y, and maybe a bit too indulgent. Simon kind of agrees with Kara, and offers that it would have worked better with just him and the piano. I TOTALLY see that. And given the chance, I think he should take that advice and try it again.

Andrew Garcia is singing I Heard it Thru the Grapevine. I don’t like it. At all. The whole thing is just bad. I think that the lack of guitar may have hurt him because he just doesn’t know what to do with himself. This is kind of cheesy. It reminds me of twelfth grade spanish class, where Dawn Wildoner, me, and Sean (last name escapes me) did the raisin commercial in spanish with big trash bags on us to be like grapes. It was pretty bad. Our commercial, but this was worse. Randy says it was bad. Ellen says it wasn’t enough to get people on board tonight, but hopes that people vote for him in light of past performances. Kara thinks he’s still chasing his Straight Up moment, and that she feels bad for him. She doesn’t know what to do with him. Simon thinks that Miley gave some good advice for him to lose the guitar, but says that Andrew has been so bad for so long now that perhaps they overrated how cool Straight Up was. He goes on to say that he sucked. The soul out of the song and ruined one of the greatest pop songs of all time and made himself look cheesy. But he did do enough of a pause between “sucked” and the rest of the critique that one could completely see how he could have stopped right there.

Okay, was it me, or was there a look on Miley’s face...kind of a battle of the alpha chicks moment during Katie Stevens’ rehearsal? And that’s all I have to say about that, because seriously? Those two on my television was one of my bigger nightmares realized. Katie is doing Big Girls Don’t Cry, by Fergie. Yawn. Randy, after saying it was all over the place, praises her for trying to listen to their advice. Ellen says it was her best performance so far (talk about damning with faint praise), comparing her to Dakota Fanning. Kara says she’s found her niche and that this was good, even though she has mad pitch issues. Translation - your “mentor” is proof that we could make millions off of a mediocre voice. Simon says that meeting Miley was the best thing that could happen because she got to see a young artist, and gotten her out of “pageant horror outfits”. And. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. I missed his exact critique because my child just came in to tell me he doesn’t know how to go to bed. Think. Discuss while I put him BACK to bed.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Must quote - too good to paraphrase...

Casey to Miley: “I’m a big fan of...your...Dad’s.”

I don’t even know what else was said...Casey takes on Huey Lewis and the News. I always liked this song “The Power of Love.” Once again, Casey’s performance is better than his vocals, but in this season full of mediocrity and drudgery, I’ll take it. I think it’s rather hypocritical of the judges to knock his vocals but say he has good performances, but turn around and say that Katie has good performances even though her vocals are a mess, as praise. Randy loves to hear him play the guitar, but thinks he did well with a song he didn’t love. Ellen doesn’t like the song choice either, but thinks it was the best vocal of the night. Um, hello, Ellen? Remember Crystal? Bobby McGee? Geez, her memory’s shorter than mine. Kara says he’s the whole deal, and that he’s ready to make an album. Simon disagrees, saying that this song was old fashioned when it came out 25 years ago. Simon compares him to an 80’s cover band, which would explain why I liked it. And then Simon kind of dismisses himself, saying maybe it’s because he’s British that he disagrees so completely with Kara. Maybe you’re just in a bad mood, but overall, I would like to point out that Simon’s critiques have been so much more thoughtful this year. He used to be kind of dismissive about awful. Now, he gives awful, but ways that it won’t be so awful next time. I like that.

Didi Benami takes on Linda Rondstadt. This was okay, BUT, I kind of like her better in that Corrine Bailey Rae category. I liked this, but it appealed to girl in me who loves musical theatre, even though her coming down the stage was wonky. But we know how the judges feel about musical theatre, don’t we? Randy loves the idea, but not the implentation, saying her pitch was all over the place. Ellen really doesn’t care for her song choice, but that she loves her. Okay, we have a little Randaralen going on - all of their critiques ran together for me. Okay, make that Simrandellenara - they all hated it. Oh dayum - Simon says there’s a certain irony to her screeching repeatedly that she’s no good, comparing her to the bad part of the musical. And first, that was funny. Second? Get out of my head Simon.

My quirky dingbat Siobhan is singing Superstition, a song she did in Hollywood. This *should* work. I like that Siobhan says she’s now owning her quirkyness, and it’s definitely working for her. Okay, big horns...hey, why does she look like a cross between Sheila E. and Sheena Easton tonight? Okay, this is more reserved than I expected...maybe she’s about to let loose in a minute...okay, the scat was okay, but the way she’s throwing that scream in now is reminding me of Adam Lambert, and not in a good way. I’m eh on that. Randy says he never would have thought she would have sung that song...wasn’t it her in Hollywood week? Ellen says she just wants more because she’s so good. Kara loves that she expresses herself so well every week. She doesn’t think it was her best performance, but likes the last note. Simon says that it will be split on whether people love it or hate it. He says that for him, it wasn’t a good night. Thank GOD someone heard what I heard. He does caution her that the end scream is becoming commonplace...and seriously? Anyone want to take my case?

Good night, Friends.